13 Things Nobody Tells You About Having Anxiety

That little voice in your head, that heavy weight on your chest, and that cold feeling that spreads through your entire body? Just a small hint of what having anxiety is really like. Everyone experiences anxiety differently, but these are a few of my experiences...

1. It's not easy to talk about. Despite the social media campaigns and the general rise in awareness,  anxiety is still seen as 'not a real problem', even though stats show around 4.7 in every 100 adults suffer from some form of anxiety disorder in the UK.
2. Sometimes huddling under a pile of pillows and blankets with your favourite TV show on for background noise is the only thing you want to do, because it makes you feel secure. 
3. Nail biting, skin picking, and hair pulling/twirling are all very common in people who have anxiety. We know we do it, we just can't help it. Please don't point it out.
4. The smallest thing will set it off. Anything from a small mistake at work to the cashier looking at you funny in the supermarket can send you into a heart-racing panic. 
5. Pets just get it. They always seem to want a cuddle just when you need it the most. 
6. It can be paralysing. Sitting staring into space and not moving for a period of time is not uncommon. 
7. Temperature control is an issue. Hot flashes, chills, cold hands and feet but racing heart? Sounds very familiar.
8. The simple act of waking up is hard work sometimes. Waking up to a racing heart, halfway through a sentence and immediately thinking you're an hour late for work is a common occurrence.  
9. We don't mean to be clingy. Or distant. And we don't mean to fret so much about being clingy or distant. We just worry we aren't good friends, and it sometimes comes out a bit funny.  
10. We also don't mean to doubt or ignore you when you compliment us or tell us things are OK. Our brains are wired to question and fear everyday things - I really mean it when I say it's not you, it's me. Needing constant reassurance is common for anxiety sufferers.
11. Making small talk at parties can be akin to climbing Everest. It doesn't mean we're antisocial, or hate people, it just means that the voice in our heads makes small talk incredible stressful. 
12. Guilt is a familiar emotion. Guilt for cancelling a date, rearranging lunch with friends, calling in sick to work, and then guilt for feeling like you're burdening people by talking about it. 
13. It's exhausting. Intense anxiety saps your energy, and it feels like you're fighting a constant battle against yourself. It affects everything from energy levels to appetite. 

Sharing a Secret: #Blogtober Day 4

This is a tricky one since any deep, dark personal secrets (which I don't think I have any of??) aren't likely to be things I'll post about on my blog for the world wide web to read, but anything smaller (like, I hate ketchup) is super boring. 

So here's a not-very-well-kept secret that I don't really talk about because reasons. 

I had ME/CFS as a teenager, and it affected me up into my early 20s and I still suffer some of the after-effects now. It affected my energy levels, my concentration, caused depression/IBS/muscle aches/hot and cold flashes and the two I still struggle with most: migraines and anxiety. I don't like to talk about it much, and am probably still in a bit of denial, because I feel like it wasn't as hard for me as it was for others, so I shouldn't complain. And I have a high level of guilt over it as well, because it caused my parents to worry a lot.

Ridiculous, no? I spend so much of my time telling other people their feelings are valid, but don't listen to my own advice. Do as I say, not as I do...

So that's it. Short post, and I'm likely to write more about this as time goes by, but right now at least it's up on the blog and you know! 

Life Renovation

Most people don't wake up one morning and decide to place their physical and mental health at the top of their to-do list. Normally some form of catalyst occurs that kicks people into a new health regime which becomes a way of life. 

Sometimes it's trauma: recovering from an injury or illness, or focusing energy into something new after an emotional break-up, loss, or other life incident. Sometimes it's a positive motivation: a holiday coming up, a milestone birthday, a wedding, maybe all three. Or for some people, it's looking down at the scales or into the mirror and seeing someone they don't recognise. 

As much as I dislike the #sweatingforthewedding hashtag, I have to be honest and say that our September wedding next year is a big motivator for me to get up off my butt, stop watching Sherlock reruns, and do something productive. I was going to yoga twice a week, going for the odd jog, and that was about it.

Running for Ages (feat. Age UK)

Let's get this out of the way quickly: I hate running. OK, hate is a strong work. I seriously, really, emphatically dislike running. I'd rather be at a pilates class, in the gym, cycling, or pretty much any other fitness activity. But it's good for me, I have a good little four-legged buddy - who only trips me up sometimes - and, whether I like it or not, it's good for clearing your head after a long day. Friends, I know some of you feel me on this one - running sucks, but we do it because it's good for us.

However...

30 Things Before 30...

It's looming, the big 3-0. Seriously, where the f*ck has 30 years gone?! If I start contemplating it too much then I get incredibly emotional so let's breeze past that part and get straight to The List. 

Everyone has one, stored away somewhere, of things they want to do before X. Mine is a list of 30 things before 30, and with less than 5 months until my birthday I thought it was a good opportunity to review that list and see if I can tick off anything else. Some are quite generic, and others are more personal. I should say that this is my list, and not a list I think others should use as their own because everyone is different (although if you feel particularly inspired, feel free!).

1. Get a tattoo - 3 so far, and 2 more planned (sorry mum and dad).
2. Buy a house - Last year we bought our second house in a sweet little village in Yorkshire and I'm so in love with it. 
3. Ride a hot air balloon - Egypt at sunrise...it was pretty spectacular. 
4. Set foot on all continents - nope, not yet. Made good headway though.  
5. Volunteer - I loved working at Cats Protection, and even took home a furry friend from there after I lost my own cat. 

Foodie Finds: Gluten-Free Flapjack Recipe

I love baking, but rarely seem to get the chance these days between work, working on the house, working out and, erm, Pokemon GO...

Anyway, this flapjack was so quick and easy to whip up that any excuses I may have had went straight out the window. I wanted a recipe which was gluten free, no dairy, but bonded together nicely and had the perfect texture for flapjack. If you fancy giving it a go yourself, here's what you'll need:

200g gluten-free oats

75g dried cranberries

75g sultana/raisin mix

50g crushed almonds

Handful of mixed nuts/pumpkin seeds

Coconut oil

Raw honey

I always find it quite difficult to measure out how much coconut oil/honey I'll need, so it's a bit of a trial-and-error experience until you find the perfect amount. 

Mix well in a metal mixing bowl, and spoon into a baking tray lined with parchment, and into the oven at 150 for about 45 minutes. 

Et voila!

What Yoga Means to Me

Two years ago, I couldn't hold a wheel pose for five seconds without falling out of it. I could touch my toes and stand on one leg, but awkwardly and with no finesse. I was OK at yoga, but lacked any basic concept of what it meant to be a yogi. And when I started a regular yoga class at Go Yoga in Harrogate, I was convinced being a yogi meant you were able to do the most complicated pose with ease, and standing on your head came as easily as drawing breath. It didn't take me long to figure out how wrong I was.

Cut forward six months, and I'm the girl at the back of the class with every muscle wound tight as a watch spring, angrily reciting to myself 'inner peace, inner peace...' whilst wondering to myself why on earth I didn't feel peaceful. Where was this 'zen' that other yogis talked about? Why was it avoiding me, what was I doing wrong? I still felt tense and wound-up, and after a class I sometimes came away more frustrated with myself than before. I could now do a pretty bloody good chakrasana (wheel pose), my warrior was always on point, and navasana (boat pose) felt like a breeze. Surely that was enough?

5 Tips for Working Out When You Just Don't Feel Like It

The weather at the moment just sucks, right Britain? We have a day or two of brilliant sunshine, and we're all in our shorts and sundresses buying food for the BBQ. Then the temperature plummets along with our moods, and the rainclouds appear. It does nothing for our motivation, and if you're feeling the drag of the gloomy days, you're not the only one. 

Working out on dreary, cold days is so much harder than when the sun is warming our skin. It's harder to pick up your trainers, harder to find the excitement for a long bike ride, and generally harder to get out of the house. This is a short list of things that have helped me get off my butt and work out, even on the most dismal of days.

1. Get it out of the way. Someone who is into their fitness isn't supposed to say this, right? I should be sickeningly positive at all times. However, sometimes I just can't be bothered, the same as you, and the thought of coming home after work and going for a run or hopping on my bike just isn't an enjoyable one. So the mornings are where it's at. Sure it's hard to get out of bed, but the plus sides are that you've already ticked off your day's exercise, and the streets/gym are likely to be quiet if you go early enough. 

Brownie Mix Overnight Oats

I'm not a breakfast person. (Or a morning person, but you can see some tips here for how to make mornings much more productive and enjoyable.) But one thing guaranteed to get me out of bed is a good breakfast, and if I don't have to do any prep then that's even better!

Prep for this is all done the night before, so when I'm putting together my lunch for the next day I can also make breakfast at the same time. I can't quite remember where I found the recipe for this - Pinterest I'm sure - but I adapted it slightly anyway.

1 cup oats

1 cup almond milk (or similar, whatever you prefer)

0.5 cup Greek yoghurt

2 tblsp cocoa powder (or more/less to taste)

Cacao nibs to decorate

Then all you do is mix it together in a bowl, and put it into a jar and refrigerate! This makes enough for 2, so split it into separate containers unless you're known for your raging appetite first thing in the morning. Ideally you want to keep it in the fridge overnight, but 1-2 hours should do it if you can't wait for morning.

4 Things to Avoid in The Mornings

Preface: I'm not a morning person. At. All. Anyone who knows me probably knows this. So I don't claim to be a pro at getting you up and motivated in the AM.

But over the last few months I've been working on switching up my routine to make my day more productive, my mornings more relaxing, and over time to bring a new sense of vitality to my life, particularly during the working week.

1. Only set one alarm, and snooze it once. No setting 5 alarms 10 minutes apart (which I used to be guilty of) and ignoring them until the one titled "Leave the house!" goes off. You don't feel any better with an extra half hour of broken sleep, and chances are you'll end up in a mad rush.
2. Get moving. Whether it's a full hour of yoga or just a good stretch, the most important thing to do when you get up is to get your body moving and your muscles loosened up. A good stretch of the whole body just before you get out of bed is a great start; if you have time for a workout then I love a bit of yoga and a few push-ups, sit-ups and jumping jacks. 
3. Don't get social. Checking social media is one of the main things that harpoons morning routines. Your mornings are for you, to centre yourself for the upcoming day, not for inviting everyone you know into your life. You get sucked into endless scrolling and waste time that could be spent on something much more productive. Like...
4. Breakfast. Obvious one? Absolutely. But how many of us skip breakfast in favour of an extra five minutes zzz? A lot. My trick is to plan or prepare a breakfast so good that I can't wait to get downstairs to eat it. Cereal or toast just don't inspire me in the slightest, but avocado on toast or eggs benedict will ALWAYS get me down the stairs in a flash. For something with less prep time, try a variation of overnight oats. 

What do you love to do in the AM that gets you up and about and sets you up for a great day? 

Also, WHERE can I get the mug in the photo? Image from weheartit.com

New Year, Improved Me

I'm never one to go in for the 'new year, new me' idea. I think I'm a pretty good version of myself - others may disagree! What I always do in January is split up my main goals for the year and then set some individual achievements and stick to them, adding extras if I complete something before my deadline. And this year I've got more of an incentive to stick to my goals: planning our wedding!

The main things I want to focus on this year are my diet, my fitness regime, and my organisational skills (which will come in useful when planning a Big Day).

I always find that general statements like 'eat less chocolate' or 'go to the gym more' rarely work. You've got no base for comparison, no way to track progress, and no goals to hit. So instead, setting mini targets which you know you can achieve with a little effort is a much more effective motivator. I try not to set targets which are all very similar either, or I'll likely end up getting distracted by something else and lose motivation.

Ten Things I'm Sure You've Thought in Your Hot Yoga Class

If you've ever done a bikram yoga or hot yoga class then you can back me up on this one: you get sweaty. Like, seriously sweaty. Look-like-you've-been-swimming sweaty. By the time you reach savasana you're sure you're going to melt into a puddle akin to the Wicked Witch of the West. And, if you're anything like me, you're probably planning when you can make your next class.

Now that I've been to 30+ hot yoga classes I feel that I can now reflect back on what it was like to be a beginner, before those (painful?) memories leave me completely. Everything on the list below has crossed my mind (probably more than once) and I'm willing to bet I'm not alone.

1. Why do people go on and on about how hard this is? I'm really enjoying it! Stretching is easier when it's warm, and it's not even that hot. It feels tropical, like being on holiday. All that's missing is a cocktail. I'm glad I put my mat underneath a heater.

2. What are those weird, toeless/heelless socks the girl next to me is wearing? And why are her hands covered in white powder? And when your hands and feet are slipping every whichways on your mat and hers aren't, then you realise what the chalk is for and you have to beg for some to stop your downward dog turning into face-meets-floor pose.

3. I should have brought a towel. Having to use your top as a towel - which is already soaked with sweat by the way - is a miserable, miserable thing to have to do. It doesn't help, and you're sweating again within seconds, somehow even worse than before!

4. Are my pants see-through? Oh, and why did I wear pants that show up sweat patches so badly? A sweaty crotch is not attractive on any level. But don't worry - the person next to you probably has one too.

5. We must be nearly finished by now. Wait, we're only ten minutes in?! I will not survive this class. Who will look after my cats when I'm gone??

6. Why on God's earth did I put my mat underneath a heater? Never, ever again.

7. How does my instructor still look like a model from Women's Health, and I look like this? And she wants me to put my leg where exactly??

8. My water bottle is empty. Oh God, death is imminent! If you're like me and bring a gigantic water bottle with you then this happens less frequently. But it happens, and it's terrifying.

9. I knew I should have taken off my make-up. By the time class is over and you're putting on your shoes and wiping your brow, you look like a racoon. Sorry about that. And if you've worn lipstick, then gosh please take a photo and show me the hilarious clown-look you're no doubt sporting?

10. Savasana? More like wiping-sweat-out-of-my-eyes time. Stings like a bitch, doesn't it?

*

What else can you add to the list?

Image from Pinterest.

Aerial Fun

What better way to spend a Saturday than hanging upside down like a bat?

Last weekend saw me enter an aerial yoga class for the first time and I have to say that any expectations I had went out the window within the first five minutes.

I thought it would be tons of fun and no workout. 
I thought I wouldn't be able to manage even one inversion.
I thought I wouldn't ache like hell the next morning.

All of the above were totally, completely wrong.

The teacher, Jo, was wonderful in an upbeat, fun, encouraging kind of way which just made us all relax and leave all our worries about the class at the door. It didn't matter how good or bad we were, we were all there to have fun and do our best.

Ten minutes in and I'm realising that I'll have bruises in weird places, that my previously broken wrist isn't quite as strong as I thought it was, and that aerial yoga is all about trust. Trusting in yourself, in what your body can do and in knowing what it can't do, knowing that the swing will hold you if you get into the right position and knowing that it's OK to let go. And I mean that in more than just the literal sense.

Finding out that your body can do unexpected things, like bend into funny positions, or that you actually enjoy being in some inverted downward dog is immensely freeing. I found myself laughing, smiling, and actually being genuinely excited about an exercise routine in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I love my workouts, and I love yoga, but aerial gave me an exhilaration I haven't felt since I was a child on the swings.

We learned how to sit on the swing properly. How to stretch out backs by lying on the mat with our feet elevated. How to lean back, legs wide, and hook our ankles around the swing so we wouldn't fall on our yogi heads. And right at the end we did what I can only call an aerial savasana. We snuggled up in our individual swings like bugs in rugs, with lavender eye bags, and just rested. Rested body and mind. And when Jo said 'come back to the room' at the very end, that was exactly what I was doing, but I can't remember exactly where I went.

I ached like I've never ached before come the morning after. And the morning after that. The morning after that I booked in for my next session, because it's addictive and withdrawal is already kicking in.

Hurry up, Thursday! I want to play on the swings.

Beginner Pose

I'm not a very good yogi.

I'm not actually 'very good' at many things, but yoga definitely isn't on that list. I've lost track of the pulled muscles, the times my face has hit the ground, and the litres of water I've gone through trying to survive a hot yoga class.

I can count the list of things I'm good at on one hand: I can write a fairly decent novel, cook a pretty good meal (not Masterchef standard, but hey I try), I'm pretty good at my job in my own opinion, and I'm a kicks friend and girlfriend. But I've never had anything remotely sporty or fitness related that I could say I excel at.

So, in true cliche style, when I was on the holiday of a lifetime with my best friends sunbathing on Bondi beach I decided I would become really good at something. Perhaps it was the insanely fit people running past me every five minutes, perhaps it was the surfers who never seemed to wipe out, or maybe it was just the vitamin D. But I made that decision and, unlike many decisions I've made in the past, have successfully stuck with it.

I stumbled into my first hot yoga class back at home ill-prepared without even bringing a towel. Thank God I had the foresight to bring a water bottle or I'd have been carried out in a melting heap. I managed to touch my toes, stand on one leg for a millisecond, and almost fall asleep in savasana. But hey, I made it.

And I went back. Later that week. And again, twice, the week after. I still can't stand on one leg without wobbling for more than ten seconds, I can barely manage crow pose and pigeon makes my butt hurt. But I'm there, twice a week every week, and I'm determined. Determined to become a pro, no matter how long it takes.

I'm not very good at yoga.

Not yet.